


Meeting at the Bar

by Bill_Custard



Series: The Jamie Shepard Collection [1]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Aromantic, Asexuality Spectrum, Canon Gay Relationship, Colonist (Mass Effect), Gay Male Character, Gen, M/M, Post-Horizon (Mass Effect), Sole Survivor (Mass Effect), Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-08
Updated: 2019-07-08
Packaged: 2020-06-24 13:40:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19724803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bill_Custard/pseuds/Bill_Custard
Summary: Shepard is really bad at understanding his own feelings. Romance is a very strange concept to him. He feels beat-up after Horizon and decides to get a late night drink at the bar. His turian best friend joins him and sorts out his feelings way better than he ever could.Just a little scene that I feel is missing from the game, which is really bad at reflecting things like this. For my Shepard, who is gay, aromantic and somewhere on the asexual spectrum, it feels very much in tone with the rest of the game and his character.





	Meeting at the Bar

Damn it.

Damn it, damn it, damn it. What the fuck is wrong with him? Why does it hurt so much?

To be honest, he doesn't even really feel betrayed by Kaidan. Quite the opposite. He's proud of him. Two years ago, Kaidan was just another officer, not younger than himself, but definitely with that feel of aspiring to be like him. Yes, he had been pensive back then. His reflections were good, brilliant even. He never was just the usual soldier, he was really, really good at what he did, and he was clever - he had this ability of always seeing things from a different angle. Not only that, he had that air of coolness and humbleness around him that not many soldiers Shepard has met before had. Kaidan was special, always worthy of his respect, and they had been friends, good friends. Back then, Kaidan didn't feel quite finished, not quite at the top of his abilities. Shepard knew back then that he had potential.

Maybe it was his death that made him strong. In any case, Kaidan seems to have grown up. He had seemed independent (not that he had not been independent before, but now he actually had the guts to stand up to him). 

Shepard doesn't really understand what's going on with him. He's incredibly proud of the fact that Kaidan had the courage to go his own way. Yes, he wants him to be here. Right now, he misses him in a way that feels like something substantial is missing, a limb or - well, that was what Kaidan was saying as well. But at the same time - he respects him more than ever.

He's pouring himself another drink at the bar, when the door opens. For a moment, he freezes. He forgot to lock the door. How careless of him. What if one of the crew sees their commander drinking in the middle of the night? This ship is already on a difficult mission, he can't have them see any weekness.

He turns around, slowly. Then he sighs in relief. In the dim light the towering, somewhat angular shape of his best friend is still very distinctive. It's lucky the only person on the ship he didn't mind seeing him like this just walked in.

"Mind if I join you?" Garrus' vibrating voice cuts through the darkness.

Shepard just waves his hand invitingly towards the turian liquor. His movements are surprisingly sluggish. How much did he have? Maybe too much already, but right now, it is the thing he needs.

Garrus doesn't look great either. It's not the easiest thing, reading turian emotions as a human, but Shepard has learned to read Garrus pretty well. And recently, there hasn't been a single conversation with him when he didn't feel like Garrus' sarcastic exterior was not even badly covering up the sadness. 

Garrus pours himself a drink as well, then he sits down in one of those strange fluffy pieces of furniture.

"You know", he purrs, "These things are way too small."

"Well, humans aren't as big as you guys."

"True. I should remember that this is a Cerberus vessel. Cheers." He drinks, sighs, leans back.

Shepard sits there, alternating between looking at his drink and into Garrus' unmoving, piercing, suddenly very bird-like eyes.

"You know, Shepard, Turians usually find it hard to read humans. But I feel like I know you pretty well by now. It's not necessarily your style to sit at the bar at night, drinking alone. Didn't actually think I'd meet anyone still up at this time of night. What's going on?"

Shepard sighs. "It's complicated."

Garrus leans back and crosses his legs with some difficulties in the confinement of the chair. "Well, you're a complicated guy, I know that by now. Most people think you're just straightforward. A soldier. Maybe they remember you're really good at fixing tech. I'm probably one of the very few people who know you have feelings."

"Thanks Garrus, it's nice at least someone remembers I'm only partly machine." It sounds more bitter than he intended.

He thinks for a couple of second, then he empties his drink and pours himself a new one. Staring at it intently, he starts massaging his eyes and temple.

Then he hears Garrus' contemplative voice. "Horizon was bad, I'll give you that. Seeing all those empty houses and frozen people..."

"Yeah. I hate seeing this." He pauses. Thinks of burning houses and batarian slavers. The emptiness he felt when he came back and all the people he knew when growing up were gone. "Kind of reminds me of Mindoir, to be honest. Sometimes it feels like that, frozen in time, like a bunch of pictures I keep carrying around..." He thinks for a few moments, stirring his drink. "But that's not it."

He hears Garrus sigh and take a very long sip. "Let me guess... Leutenant Alenko?"

Shepard nods, relieved Garrus gets it without him actually having to say it. "I really miss him, Garrus. I mean, for you guys, it has been two years. You had time to process loosing a friend. I just woke up, and all my friends have moved on."

"Yeeeeeaaaah", Garrus sighs, "Didn't go all that well for me either though."

"I'm sorry, Garrus. I know, it must have been shit for you. I'm really glad I found you right away, at least for me, that helps a lot. I... I just feel like I keep loosing people. It's not my fault I was in a coma. It's not my fault I didn't exactly ring you guys up and visit every now and again. I know you thought I was dead, but still, Kaidan had time to deal with this shit. And... I just lost him too. You're probably the only person I'm not loosing all the fucking time. Liara gone, moved on. Tali has moved on, also gone, and now Kaidan...I only just realized that I really miss him. I thought he'd join me. I was sure. I thought, him, he would so definitely want to be on a ship with me, I know it in my heart that his place is next to me and he just threw it in my face and..." He empties his drink in one draw.

"Well, he seems to have a stronger backbone than most Turians, I'll give him that..."

"Yes. And that's the weird thing: I'm really proud of him for that actually. I don't get myself right now." Shepard suddenly realizes there's anger in his voice. "I'm probably just drunk."

Garrus chuckles. "Have another one, Shepard. It's good to see this side of you sometimes. You're always in control out there. But you don't have to be with me." He mixes Shepard a drink that looks way stronger than something you should drink before a day of work. 

He then mixes himself a turian drink and he lifts it, and they clink their glasses carefully so none of their liquor mix. "To old friends." 

"You know", Garrus sais, "I'm just speculating here - Could there be more going on? I mean... Miranda made a pass at you and you rejected her. Jack tried to seduce you and you rejected her. Kelly and you had dinner, and - nothing..."

Garrus jerks his head in this strange, bird-like manner that makes him look very alien all of the sudden, and stares at him intently. Shepard just looks at him dumbfolded. He feels like he might actually be blushing, and the smirk parting Garrus' upper lips tells him he just did.

"I'm not interested in fraternization, Garrus. I think it's ridiculous when people can't control themselves on an important mission. We're on a suicide mission, for fuck's sake."

"Yeah. All the more reason to use those last couple of nights well, instead of emptying the bar on your own."

"I'm not on my own." Shepard actually chuckles when he realizes how defensive he sounds. 

"That is technically true. You have your friend with you, who knows you better than anyone else in the galaxy, and who thinks you have a thing for handsome Leutenants."

Shepards brain tries to keep up with the conversation, but it isn't working. Maybe another sip of that stuff will help.

"Damn it, Garrus."

"What?"

"Damn it. I... Damn it!" This must be what it feels like to be hit by lighting.

Garrus shows him his smirk again and takes a sip of his drink in a very superior manner.

"I think you're right. I'm just... I really do think fraternization is ridiculous."

"You know, Turians aren't the most individualist people... But on our vessels, fraternization is not disencouraged. I told you about that hand to hand combat specialist, right?"

"The one who had flexibility?"

Garrus chuckles. "Yeah. It's not uncommon for us to let off steam. Even to pursue relationships. I don't understand those human rules. I think they're stupid. Probably left over from some other time."

Shepard sighs. 

"Maybe you're right. You know, I don't take friends like you for granted. If I didn't have you here with me... I don't know. Even though you're a huge pain in the ass sometimes." Shepard grins. "Especially when you are guessing my problems better than I do."

Garrus chuckles again. "That's what I'm here for. You know... when you see him again... you should probably try and make up with him. He doesn't seem like an unreasonable person."

"Nope. Quite the opposite, actually."

"He's just pissed off. Probably hurt. Maybe he doesn't believe you're really you. He hasn't seen you dancing yet, remember." 

This makes Shepard laugh. "Maybe."

"He just had shitty experiences with Cerberus."

"So did I, Garrus."

"I know. But... I see his point."

"So do I. I still miss him though."

"Well... We can't always have what we want. I miss my squad too. And I don't have any chance of seeing them again."

Suddenly, Shepard is feeling incredibly insensitive. He's not the only one drinking in the middle of the night.

"Is that why you're here?"

"It might be. Can't sleep sometimes. Keep wondering if there is anything I could have done to protect them..."

"I know the feeling, Garrus."

"Yeah. You would."

They sit silent for half a minute. "You know, I'd prefer heartbreak right about now," Garrus says softly.

"Yep. I do know survivor guilt. But... There's nothing you could have done better. You tried to do the right thing. You could never have known that one of your own would betray you."

"I know, I know. It's just... I'd do anything to undo it. But I can't."

"We all need to live with the consequences of our actions. More so, we have to live with the consequences of other people's actions. Sometimes, life just screws us over. Believe me, I know what I'm talking about." He laughs a bitter laugh when he remembers the first time, on Mindoir, and the second one, on Akuze. "The only thing we really can do is get up again and go on. We can't let them win, Garrus. We have to go on." Even when he emphazises the last words, he doesn't actually know whom he is talking about. There are so many enemies out there, and more every day... And sometimes, sometimes it's not even the enemies that are hurting them the most, but friends.

Shepards pondering gets interrupted by the sound of Garrus' glass hitting the bar. "You know, I actually kind of feel better talking about it. Thanks, Shepard. Will you be ok?"

Shepard finishes up his drink as well. "I think so. Let's go to bed and try and get some sleep, ok?"

Garrus nods and starts towards the door. "Night, Shepard. It will probably be a long day tomorrow. I wonder if there have ever been short days where you're concerned."

Shepard grimaces at those words. No, there aren't any short days. "Night, Garrus. Thank you. You're the best friend I ever had."

"Forget it, Shepard. Turians can't blush." He's smiling, though.


End file.
